Monday, October 24, 2011

Hello, my name is Veronica and I am a recovering Divorcee!

Tonight I gave the first college presentation I have given in three years, and the subject was something I have come to know a lot about, Divorce. I found out something about myself tonight though, something strange and new to me, I am ok with my divorce finally. I openly discussed how it made me feel in front of twenty- two other people and it was liberating. I have also recently learned something that shakes me right down to my core, I understand now why my marriage didn't work and I understand all of the things that we both did wrong. I am finally able to look in on all of those events and see things clearly. A few weeks ago I was discussing what I think it takes to make a marriage work. I am a big fan of, Fireproof the movie and it has taught me a lesson that I wish I could make others understand as well. In the movie the husband has to learn how to love his wife again and while doing this he learns that a man can never stop studying his wife. When two people are dating they take the time to study one another but after the, "I do's" have been said they stop learning about one another, they stop chasing. This is one of the things that happened in my own marriage. After seven years of chasing one another, we stopped as soon as the ink dried on the licenses. Knowing this now I have made a promise to myself, if I am ever in the position to love someone so much again that I would commit to sharing a life with them I will do whatever it takes to always keep that fire alive by being as close to them as possible. I will never stop chasing, never stop learning, and last but not least, never stop believing in them. I recently had a dream about the day that my ex husband came into to town to have the divorce talk with me. We were already living separately because he had moved out and we had already, well I think, we had already started to plan our escapes. In my dream I ask him the one question I never did ask but I should have, "When did we quit loving another, when did we quit fighting for one another?" After seven years of fighting to stay in love with one another, it was all over in eight short months. I know that my marriage was never really meant to be but I look back now and I realize that it was never meant to be because both of us were unprepared. We had no knowledge as to what we were suppose to do. Sure we did the whole pre-marriage counseling and we knew and had both watched couples who had life long marriages but we both had seen a lot of separation and divorce. Let's face it, it doesn't matter how many good things you have said or how man good things you have been told, the easier, bad way out seems to stick with you more. Not that I am blaming our relationship misfortunes on our parents, family, or friends but I strongly believe that we carried a little bit of those things with us. At least I know that I did. I can fight with another person exactly like the way that I watched my parents do it for years. My temper never helped the situation in all honesty as well. The best thing about knowing this now though, is that I finally see that, that way isn't always right and I am finally able to control that. I look back on my marriage now as kind of a blessing in disguise, especially after tonight. As I was standing up there tonight talking about my divorce I was for the first time thankful that it had happened. For the first time ever I could look back on it and see it for what it truly is, the best learning experience I have ever had. In fact when I walked out of that classroom tonight, I silently thanked God for it. I know that sounds crazy but the reason for this is that if I am ever to marry again I know exactly what makes a good marriage work and that is something to be thankful for. One more note, I had listened closely every time a believer told me that I was suppose to, "give it to God" but never really understood what they meant until now. When I walked out of that classroom tonight though, I let go, I gave it to God, and all of that weight I had been carrying around since April 27, 2010, was lifted off my shoulders and in an instant, I understood.

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