Friday, October 28, 2011

It's me again Scoliosis!

For the last few months my spine has felt AMAZING, but I had been worried this day would come, the day winter weather would raise it's ugly little head. For the last few weeks I have been able to feel every single inch of my spine and during this week's storm I was reminded that I am, and will forever be a Scoliosis survivor. I feel like someone has punched me right in the middle of my spine and every where that there is hardware left, aches like no other. I'm not complaining, ok, maybe I am a little, but I won't lie, I am kind of thankful for this little painful reminder. I was beginning to think that I was invincible again. Ha, NOT!

Monday, October 24, 2011

Hello, my name is Veronica and I am a recovering Divorcee!

Tonight I gave the first college presentation I have given in three years, and the subject was something I have come to know a lot about, Divorce. I found out something about myself tonight though, something strange and new to me, I am ok with my divorce finally. I openly discussed how it made me feel in front of twenty- two other people and it was liberating. I have also recently learned something that shakes me right down to my core, I understand now why my marriage didn't work and I understand all of the things that we both did wrong. I am finally able to look in on all of those events and see things clearly. A few weeks ago I was discussing what I think it takes to make a marriage work. I am a big fan of, Fireproof the movie and it has taught me a lesson that I wish I could make others understand as well. In the movie the husband has to learn how to love his wife again and while doing this he learns that a man can never stop studying his wife. When two people are dating they take the time to study one another but after the, "I do's" have been said they stop learning about one another, they stop chasing. This is one of the things that happened in my own marriage. After seven years of chasing one another, we stopped as soon as the ink dried on the licenses. Knowing this now I have made a promise to myself, if I am ever in the position to love someone so much again that I would commit to sharing a life with them I will do whatever it takes to always keep that fire alive by being as close to them as possible. I will never stop chasing, never stop learning, and last but not least, never stop believing in them. I recently had a dream about the day that my ex husband came into to town to have the divorce talk with me. We were already living separately because he had moved out and we had already, well I think, we had already started to plan our escapes. In my dream I ask him the one question I never did ask but I should have, "When did we quit loving another, when did we quit fighting for one another?" After seven years of fighting to stay in love with one another, it was all over in eight short months. I know that my marriage was never really meant to be but I look back now and I realize that it was never meant to be because both of us were unprepared. We had no knowledge as to what we were suppose to do. Sure we did the whole pre-marriage counseling and we knew and had both watched couples who had life long marriages but we both had seen a lot of separation and divorce. Let's face it, it doesn't matter how many good things you have said or how man good things you have been told, the easier, bad way out seems to stick with you more. Not that I am blaming our relationship misfortunes on our parents, family, or friends but I strongly believe that we carried a little bit of those things with us. At least I know that I did. I can fight with another person exactly like the way that I watched my parents do it for years. My temper never helped the situation in all honesty as well. The best thing about knowing this now though, is that I finally see that, that way isn't always right and I am finally able to control that. I look back on my marriage now as kind of a blessing in disguise, especially after tonight. As I was standing up there tonight talking about my divorce I was for the first time thankful that it had happened. For the first time ever I could look back on it and see it for what it truly is, the best learning experience I have ever had. In fact when I walked out of that classroom tonight, I silently thanked God for it. I know that sounds crazy but the reason for this is that if I am ever to marry again I know exactly what makes a good marriage work and that is something to be thankful for. One more note, I had listened closely every time a believer told me that I was suppose to, "give it to God" but never really understood what they meant until now. When I walked out of that classroom tonight though, I let go, I gave it to God, and all of that weight I had been carrying around since April 27, 2010, was lifted off my shoulders and in an instant, I understood.

Not the best fly fisherwoman... Yet.

So this weekend I spent some time being a bridesmaid, (Congrats Carl and Crystal!!!) goofing off, cooking, doing homework, and trying to perfect the art of fly fishing. Which I am not very good at, at all. Recently I have fallen in love with fly fishing. I know you're probably like, "What the hell Vern, when did you pick up fly fishing and why?", but let me tell you... I have decided that fly fishing is one of the most amazing things that I have ever seen. I know this person who is absolutely talented when it comes to fly fishing, watching them fly fish is like sitting down and reading Robert Frost. Well for me that is how it is anyways. Reading Robert Frost is one of my favorite things to do because after I read one of his pieces I can almost see myself in the middle of a scene that he has painted with words, natures beauty surrounding me, bright sunshine, a light breeze and quiet... just quiet. Anyways, that is what it's like when I watch this person fly fish, everything is just quiet and relaxing and.. well... beautiful. So anyways, I got serious about this whole fly fishing thing. I'm not any good but I am so determined after this weekend to be! Oh and also, here is my first catch... and yeah, I know you are impressed. (Sarcasm)
On another note though... the cooking. I tried duck shish-kabobs for the first time ever this weekend and let me tell you... mmmmmm so good!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Monday, October 17, 2011


I am completely and totally stressed out today. All day I have felt like I have had a ten thousand pound weight sitting on my chest. Multi-tasking has been harder than usual lately and I just want to tell the world to stop for a second so that I can catch my breath. When I feel like this I catch myself day dreaming of a world far away. In my day dream I am eight years old again, sitting up on the ridge at the ranch, looking out over God's greatest creation. What I wouldn't give to go home to the Hi Lo right now and be with my family.

Thursday, October 13, 2011


So my aunt and uncle recently adopted a new fuzzy and I can't help but be obsessed with taking pictures of him every time I see him, but I'm sure you will understand why when you see this....

Remind me why...

I remembered something about myself this week that I had forgotten.... I am really good at school! I know, it sounds like I am bragging on myself, and that's because I kind of am. But seriously, I had forgotten how much I loved to learn. Using your brain is an amazing thing and I believe that people should never stop learning, EVER! This whole revelation came about this week though because this week is mid-term week and guess who has aced all the mid-terms she has taken so far? Yes, that would be me. I am pretty proud of myself right now to say the least. This time last year I was drowning in my sorrows, my heart was crushed, my bank account empty, my spine felt like someone had taken a baseball bat to it and I was so super lonely, lost inside my own little world. Not much has changed, my heart still feels damaged but it gets better every day, my bank account is still pretty much empty but I am coping with that, my spine feels much better but we will see how it reacts to a cold winter, and for the loneliness, it's not so bad. I am so comfortable with living alone these days. I have my days when I wish I had more people around but for the most part, I am content with where I am. For the first time ever, I am actually appreciating living where I do. It's small, it's not that great, but, I am able to go to school, and be able to live comfortably. If you know me, you know that this is a big thing for me. I worry, I worry about EVERYTHING! Especially when it comes to bills and this fits right now. Above all things though, I am happy with school. I am happy with the direction I finally see my life going. I've spent the last few years regretting leaving State, regretting my marriage, and now I am just ready to build a life... on my own terms.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

What a lovely little face.

It's officially fall around here. The trees are changing, the temperature is dropping, and the fuzzy sweaters have been removed from the back of the closet. I didn't think that I would be ready for fall, I kept holding on to that last little bit of summer, that last little bit of warm weather, tank tops, and sun dresses. The fuzzies are all putting their winter weight on, wait... I meant, the fuzzies are still retaining their winter weight from last winter. By that I mean DaBear and Squirrel are still huge. And Murphy's coat is finally coming back after the fight with three sets of clippers this summer. Today I cleaned out and started the ol' furnace up and midterms are going on this week. It is going to be a busy fall and winter and we are all thanking God for that. I hope that this time flies by so that my best friend will be home soon, the new semester and new challenges start and so that I can continue to better my life and situation.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Hello Fall Weather!

AspenFest Parade

This weekend was AspenFest and I had the pleasure of spending the whole day with my grandmother and great grandmother. And let me tell you, those two ladies have more energy than most people I know.We saw the parade, we went shopping, we had lunch, etc. It was so nice to have a day with just the three of us though and we got to witness Baby Cousin in all her glory as Lincoln County Fair Queen. Here are the few pictures I was able to snap....

Monday, October 3, 2011

The First Blogs...

Like many other young people my age, I was first turned onto blogging through Myspace. I thought that it would be fun to turn back the pages of time and post some of my favorites for you all to read here. Enjoy. Or not, it's up to you.

October 1, 2009 Words of Wisdom
So I've learned a few things about marriage.... Things my mother forgot to tell me. Ladies, listen up!
A. I love my husband but... I hate men.
Even though you may love them, a husband will turn into the most annoying person you know. Ecspecially at 3 am in the morning when they are talking in their sleep, snoring, sweating, bitching because it's to hot, etc.

B. Everything changes after wedding cake.
The beautiful, clean house that you once took so much pride in you might as well forget about. Some where between his dog's hair, his paper plates, socks, xbox games, glasses, sprite cans, etc. you begin to look for clues to wether or not this was your bachelorette pad at one time. At that point, stop nagging and become irrational.

C. Say no to his dog.
Just because you said yes to him, doesn't mean you have to say yes to his inside dog. The little white dog with brown spots trying to rule my roost is fixing to move out. I worked very hard to teach my fuzzy companion to stay off my furniture. His turn to do the same thing.

D. If he can't clean his coffee stains off the cabinet....
He doesn't need to be in the kitchen.

E. Don't let him pull that, "But I took out the trash", bull shit.
I don't care what one thing his lazy ass did all day. While he took out the trash for the first time I managed to do all the laundry, dishes, floors and gave the dog a bath. Plus, I gave up my spare closet so he had some where to put his comic books and guns. Not his clothes... his comic books.

F. NEVER let the xbox move in.
Just don't! Break it if you have too...and then blame it on the damn dog. His damn dog.

This next blog makes me laugh for the simple fact that I was 19 and worried about these things. Ever wish you could go back in time and tell yourself to chill out?

November 10, 2006 I can't drive 55

Tonight I was laying here watching an episode from Sex and the City, one from the first season called, "Valley of Twenty- Something Guys". At the end of the episode Carrie is walking down the street and begins to explain how men are like a drug for women. She says that some men can bring you down and the rest bring you, "so high". So like I do after every episode of Sex and the City, I started thinking about what she said. (If you have not figured it out yet, I will go ahead and tell you, Sex and the City is like my bible.) I don't know if men are really like a drug or not, I think love is though, I think that love can be an addiction. I once read a quote somewhere that said, "I do not know if I am really in love with the men that I date. I think that I am in love with the concept of being in love and it has become an addiction for me." I think that there are a lot of women out there that are the same way and I think that at one time I was one of them. I at one time dated all the wrong guys and even though I thought that they were perfect and men that I could fall in love with, the truth was that they were never going to be Mr. Right. Mainly because they were not trying to be "Mr. Right", just "Mr. Right Now" or "Mr. I am going to stick around until you discover I am really a big jerk." I went into those relationships just wanting to fall in love, never really caring what the consequences were going to be or who they really were. I never stopped and took the time out to ask, "What do you want? Do we want the same things? Is this really going to work?" In all honesty, if your answers are not even the slightest bit similar, well then it is never going to work. I looked past all of the answers that those people had and when they broke my heart I tried to be nice about it, "Oh, we will still be the best of friends and I am here if you need a shoulder to cry on. I am sorry we never saw eye to eye, better luck next time." . I have learned that most of them turned out to be great friends even though they were not "Mr. Right". When I started the relationship that I am in now I started it with a new approach. I decided that I was just going to be up front and ask the questions that I wanted to know. After all, why should we have to spend months trying to figure a person out when it is much easier to just ask? On our first date I asked, "What are you looking for?, What do you want out of this?", and the answers he gave were straight forward and to the point. Now granted that could have been a deal breaker but it was a risk that I was more than willing to take. At only 19 years old I am already sick of beating around the bush, if I have a question I will ask it. Now I know that settling down at my age is a concept that most people find ridiculous. One of my closest male friends tells me all the time, "Trey Vern, you do not need to settle down, love is something that will always be out there. If you can find it now you can find it later." What I think though is that love will not always be so easy to find and if you have it starring you in the face, then take it and run with it. If you find somebody that is willing to share their world with you, somebody that will love you through thick and thin and never give up on you, somebody that will not put your feelings off, then give them your full heart and don't look back. Don't second guess your feelings, don't let every one else influence you, do not let your head override your heart. I have a tendency to "over think", I am constantly thinking things through until I have painted myself into a corner. I started over thinking when Brandon and I first started seeing one another and for once there is not a corner for me to paint myself into. I have yet to discover something that I do not like about him or the direction that things are going in. We may have moved fast but how fast is to fast? Is there really a time line for a relationships? One of my favorite married couples knew after only three months together that they were meant to be together. To this day they have one of the strongest relationships that I have ever seen a married couple have. Another one of my favorite couples were engaged after just two weeks of dating each other, they have been together for two years now and will tell you that they still have never even had a fight. Then there is the couple that scares me. They dated for four years and every thing was always perfect between them. They could finish one another's sentences. Three months after they were married which just so happened to be a month after when their first and only child was born they divorced. She received custody of their son, met some guy in the military and moved to the other side of the country. They had their relationship on a time line, well except for the kid being born, but anyways, it was basically on a strict schedule and now look where they are. So should we really put things on a time line? I am not saying that it works out like this for all couples. I am sure that there are probably couples out there that dated for a short time, got married, and then decided that it was not right for them. All I want to know is how fast is to fast?

Scaring the Bejesus out of myself

I completely and totally scared myself this evening. I am beginning to wonder if I am losing it. I was on my way home from class tonight and for a second I had the craziest flashback. I recently purchased an auxiliary cable for my pickup and was flipping through playlist on my iPhone. A certain friend and I use to listen to one specific playlist every time we were in the car together and as I was listening to it a song that this person loves came on and for a second I thought I heard their voice. Even stranger for a second this whole image was so clear that I felt like I was driving the escape again. I was totally in the middle of a de ja vu moment, reliving a moment that happened about this time last year.  I wonder what it is that triggers these types of moments in our brains. I’ve had moments like this involving the same person quite frequently here lately.