1.3.2013And then one day you let go. I can't tell you what day exactly it was but it happened and it was wonderful. I have come to realize over the past two years that I will always have this skeleton in my closet. One day my children will realize that I was married before and I will have to explain it to them and that task will not be an easy one but, I made my bed, I will accept the consequences that go with it. Recently I had a reminder show up of the person I was married to before and I began to think about all of the things that have happened. I have a new appreciate for that person and I hope that they know I bare no ill feelings toward them. In fact I wish nothing but the best for him. So if by chance, you ever come across this, I hope you know that I am grateful for the lessons you taught me and that I hope you have a wonderful life. We didn't deserve the things we put one another through but I chalk it all up to being young and needing a good lesson in life. Divorce is a funny thing, for some it sticks with you throughout your entire life, for others it is nothing more than a new beginning, an opportunity to better one's self. Not that divorce is or will ever be right, there is no real way to justify it but we all write a story and every story has some heartbreak.
8.22.2011Two years ago today I was putting a wedding dress on desperately trying to remember the vows that I had memorized weeks before. I had said them every day but at that moment my nerves were so crazy that I could barely remember my own name. The next thing I remember was asking my Dad if I was doing the right thing. I am still ashamed. I do not believe in divorce, still to this day and the fact that I have had one, makes me… angry. Still. Don’t confuse this with me wanting anything to do with him, because I still want nothing to do with him. Have you ever had something happen though and you look back on it later and think to yourself… “I was there, I was there every single moment, and I missed all of the signs.” Anyways, today is not a day for dwelling. Today is a day for… margaritas.
4.27.2011 Happy Frickin’ Birthday to Me!One year ago I became a divorcee. Doesn’t seem like it has been that long does it? For the most part I sometimes wake up and still think that it happened yesterday but every day since that day, my life has gotten better. I held onto a lot of resentment before but now, I am just numb to the whole situation. I find myself not even caring some days. I wish him the very best but I also wish to never have to revisit that time in my life again. I realize the familiar feeling of divorce failure will raise it’s ugly head here and there but for the most part, I feel good about being a divorcee. My life is finally getting back on track. My surgery will be over and done with next month and I will be re-enrolling for classes in the fall. I am happy in my home and my job and I know now that this feeling was a feeling I was never going to find in my marriage. Viva ! Singularity!
8.18.10 Time heals allLife is finally getting better for me. I recently got a better job offer and hopefully I will be starting it soon. The divorce is just a painful memory and every day I think about it less and less. In fact, some days I don’t think about it at all. Every now and then I get that old familiar feeling of failure, but for the most part I am doing ok with the whole situation. Life seems to be moving so fast that all I want to do is keep planning my future. Every where I look I see people getting married and having babies and for a second I wish that I was in their shoes but then I remember all the pain I felt when my world crashed and for a while I do not envy any of it. Not to say that I never want to get married again because one of these days I do. I look back now on my failed marriage as a lesson learned. I realize now that in order to be with another person I will have to know every thing that I could possibly know about that person. I need to know all of their little habits and quirks. My biggest mistake was that I thought I knew every thing about my ex husband and the things that I didn’t like, I always thought were things we could compromise on. I know now that those things were to big for either of us to move past. I’ll never be one of those people who can stay at home seven nights a week. I need adventure and he didn’t. I also know that I will never marry someone that I have not lived with first. When my ex husband and I would fight the only thing that we could really agree on is that if we would have lived together first, we probably would not have gotten married, as sad as that sounds, I know it’s true. I can’t say that he is a terrible person or that I have any feelings of hate towards him, but I can tell you that no matter how much you think you love or know someone, you never really know that person until you live with them. My biggest regret is not that I got married, but that I never had the opportunity to take the time to decide what I wanted. I feel like I was pushed into something before I had the opportunity to catch up to what was going on. I missed all the fun parts, I missed enjoying an engagement. We went from, “Will you marry me?”, to, “I do” in three months. I didn’t have time to see his flaws and he didn’t have time to see mine. I didn’t have time to make real plans about where we would live or what we would do. Most of the time I don’t let any of this effect me but every now and then I start to think about it and I find myself angry all over again.
6.30.10 Judgement and Coward go hand in hand.These last couple of days have been a little weird for me. Every box that I look in and attempt to unpack, (And yes I am still unpacking things because I have been putting it all off for this reason.) holds some type of object that reminds me of my failed marriage. I am still uncovering items left over from our wedding, pictures, serving sets, little skeleton keys, they are every where! So today when I came across some of these items I sat down and began to wonder to myself if these are things I should keep around. My problem is that I know these things are part of my past, part of the history that is still making me who I am. What confuses me is that I do not know wether or not I should keep these things. For example, say that I decide one day to get involved in another serious relationship. If some of these things are still around, how is that other person going to feel about them? If someone comes accross a wedding picture, are they going to feel pain or jealousy because I kept them around? Lately I have been thinking about how I am different in relationships compared to others. Now I have never really been one of those women to have female friends. I have always been, “One of the guys.” All of my good friends, the people that I tell every thing to just so happen to be men. I have found that I am constantly having to stand up for myself and for my friends because some where there is an unwritten rule that says your not allowed to be just friends with a man outside of high school. While I was married this was brought up all the time. I do not understand how after every thing we now accept in our twisted society, this is still a problem. We can do all these crazy things we would have never done before, and believe all these things we would never have believed before, but I can’t get away from being judged or be friends with a few of the people I have grown up with because they happen to have a Y chromosome.
5.26.10 Putting my heart back together.I have decided that divorce and it’s grieving process are all to similar to the grieving process one who is faced with losing someone to death goes through. Luckily I think I am finally at that point that I am ready to be, “happy that they are in a better place now.” That sounds morbid doesn’t it? What I mean is, this last week I have felt better about every thing that has happened. I’ve gone through my anger stage and I am pretty sure I am done with the, “feeling so far down I don’t want to breathe or wake up stage.” At this point, I just want to be happy and every one else around me to be happy. I realize now that what I want out of life is not something I was going to find in our marriage. The truth is, I’m spontaneous, stubborn, quick witted, passionate, and a little wild in general, and if I am to ever marry again, I need to be with some one that has all the same qualities. I’m not one to sit still for long periods of time and I need to be around people who can keep up with me. Like I have said before, I do not regret our marriage, nor will I ever. In all honesty, it may have been one of the better things to ever happen to me because I learned a life long lesson in eight months. Correction, seven years.
5.18.10 Head above waterI feel like I am fighting a silent battle. Every day is something new and even though I feel a million different emotions each day, I’ve been pretty good at keeping them to myself. I know that’s really not the healthiest thing to do but some where in the back of mind I think maybe keeping it to myself, will help me get through it a little easier. There is nothing more awkward to me then watching some one try to respond to “divorce talk”.
Trace Adkins, Help Me Understandhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FUDwBi5odv4
5.13.10 Desperate to Understand Life.I decided to unpack a few of my “Home Decor” boxes tonight. That’s when I realized that all of my favorite frames held wedding pictures. I’ve walked through most of my day without thinking about much of anything that has happened in the past month, even after he called today. Then I had to face it and that disappointment in myself that I had been suppressing all day came flooding back for a second. It’s amazing to me how one decision can change the course of your whole life. If we wouldn’t have ever gotten married where would I be now? Would I be back in Las Cruces? Not that I regret ever getting married, I just don’t understand how I got here.
5.12.10 Take Me HomeEvery now and then, when things do not go my way, I get the sudden urge to run home to the Hi Lo. Call me crazy, but that is where I find …peace. My whole world has been turned upside down lately, between getting divorced, losing a friend, and struggling to get back on my feet. Some mornings I wake up ready to face the day, others I wake up and wonder if today will finally be the day that I sink. I am doing my best to leave my running shoes in the closet for now though. I’ve always been pretty good at running or hiding my true feelings. Even though I have been pretty happy on the outside here lately, every now and then I can feel myself slipping. When I start to feel that way I catch myself and for a brief second I imagine myself, 9 years old, standing on the ridge at the ranch and for a second, every thing is right in the world again.
I thought that when the decision was made it was going to be easy to move forward. Turns out, no divorce, even one that was made with a mutual descision is easy. At the end every one still takes a step outside themselves and says, “What the hell just happened?” I think the hardest part of divorce is the dissappointment you end up feeling in yourself. At that point you begin to ask, “Is there some thing I missed? Something I didn’t see? Is there something wrong with me?” After you ask yourself those questions the snow ball affect starts. Bills begin to pile up, cars break down and you feel like you are never going to catch your break. I understand it hasn’t been that long but at this point I am beginning to ask myself if I am ever going to be able to get back on my feet.