Sunday, December 25, 2011

Yep!, Pretty much fantastic!

I have had an excellent Christmas this year, which came as a shock to me because quite honestly, I am getting a little tired of how Christmas has turned into a commercialized holiday. However, I got to spend this year with two of my little sisters and even though I really, really, wish that I could have all three of them together, it was pretty nice to have at least two of them with me. I love spending time with my siblings because for awhile, I get to pretend that I am 12 years old again and all we do is giggle. Although, I guess that is not entirely true being as how there is usually alcoholic beverages involved these days so maybe not 12 years old but you know what I mean. It's a much needed trip down memory lane every time we all gather. Mmmm egg nog and Spiced rum... I wonder if I have any of that left. Anyways, it was awesome and I was happy and I got everything that I wanted and more. Well except for having my Sweetheart here but y'all have got to see this...

Oh what's this you ask? Oh this is just my Manfriend being the bad ass that he is. He's going to kill me when he sees this probably but I can't help it. I think he is the manliest man I have ever seen and I don't mind telling you about it cause I am pretty proud of myself for hooking this one. He's handsome, he's sweet, he is incredibly intelligent and he is all mine. Mmm hmm, go me! By the way I hope you are not one of those sissy lalas that's all, "eww, dead ducks!" because quite frankly, I find that pretty hot too. Not the dead duck part, the he's a hot duck hunter part. Ok, that's enough of me bragging about my Manfriend.

Oh and one more thing, My Mama, is also a bad ass. She got my sister and I signed copies of The Pioneer Woman's love story which is basically one of the best love stories ever written. Just Saying... Thank you Mom, Mama, Momzy, Mommy. (Say that in the Stewie voice. She just loves it when you do. *sarcasm*) 

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Taunted by Turkeys!

Look who showed up while I was at work today. Yes, that is a turkey in the tree. Now it's like they are taunting me... Just you wait! I am counting down for spring!!!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

It's never to early to teach about gun safety!

So I have this friend that I sometimes look to for a little inspiration when it comes to fulfilling my blogging habit because this friend is just like me in a lot of ways, well except for being married, having children, and being one of those people that calls other people at dawn every morning. Still she is a lot like me because the story I am about to share with you is something I’d probably do if I was married with children. (Not the waking up and calling people at the butt crack of dawn though. That will NEVER happen because I hate mornings, I hate my alarm clock, and neither my iPhone or I operate between the hours of 5-8.) Anyways, I received this email the other day and I think you are going to like it. However, if you are one of those people who does not believe in raising chillins in the wild and wooly west, if you are one of those people who do not believe in teaching your children about gun safety, and  if you are one of those people who think, “You’ll shoot your eye out”,  don’t continue reading this. If you are like the rest of this that grew up in the sticks and had a Red Ryder by age five, you'll love this. By the way, I will admit that I was one of those kids that had a Red Ryder. Actually it was one of the originals and it had previously belonged to my father and my dumb five year old self left it outside one night, and it rained that night, and the gun rusted and locked up, and I will never live it down. A few years ago I got my second Red Ryder for Christmas from a good friend and when I told my Dad he said something along the lines of, "Oh, that's nice. Remember that time you left my Red Ryder outside and it rained on it and it was RUINED?!" Yes, I remember....

The setting: Walmart
The time: 6 am after a long night of packing and spending time with family.
The players: Country Mom and Country Brother in Law

CM: Oh my gosh look! They have kids BB guns! And look at the little tiny one! Oh and the pink one!
CBIL: Yeah those are pretty freakin' awesome.
CM: I think that I MUST buy them for my children!
CBIL: Yeah as long as they are supervised it should be okay.
CM: Hummmm, it does say 10 years old and up, maybe I should wait a few years.
CBIL: Eh, that's just a suggestion.
CM: Yeah, and probably mostly for just city kids right?
So... I purchase 2 BB guns... AND a giant container of BBs.

Later that same day...

12pm. The school luncheon. A Coworker (Who is from NEW YORK) strikes up a conversation with me.

Coworker: So you got any Christmas shopping left to do?
CM: Nope, as a matter of fact I wrapped it all up this morning.
Coworker: Oh yeah, you went shopping this morning before you came here?
CM: Yeah and I got my kids awesome little BB guns!
Coworker: You what? Aren't your kids like 5?
CM: Yeah, as those words came out of my mouth I realized I am a freak of nature.... I at 6 am this morning compulsively purchased my 2 year old and 6 year old BB GUNS???? WHAT THE F%&K WAS I THINKING??????

It seemed like a good idea at the time. I can already hear my son's maniacal laughter when he figures out he can ACTUALLY SHOOT SOMETHING....


Monday, December 12, 2011

Because my friend is a genius and you need one...

So I have this friend that I like to refer to as Happy Cobra but you can call her Ashley and she is a genius. Seriously... A freakin' genius y'all. I would tell you all about her degrees and credentials but honestly, there are to many of those for me to even begin to remember what they are so I will just tell you this, she has more talent and craftiness in her pinky finger than I have in my whole body. About six or so months ago she told me that she was going green and becoming a hippie. Which at first I kind of was concerned over because lets face it, when one thinks hippie, they imagine long hair, Jesus boots, and smelly feet. However this way of thinking is apparently old school and when she said hippie she meant new age hippie. New age hippies have short hair, drink flowering teas that taste like carnations, and cut up tin cans to turn into delightful little necklaces. The photo that I am about to show you does not do her work justice because I was responsible partly for this one and according to her husband, I am NOT an excellent driller. I am not going to explain that because there is an inside joke behind it that I am sure you will understand if you have a dirty mind but whatever. So I encourage you to get in touch with me so that I can pass your information along to her so that you can purchase a piece of Happy Cobra's ( I mean Ashley's) work. Personally I believe that they would make excellent stocking stuffers!

Coors Original and Peace Tea... Simply delightful.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Great White Huntress

Lately I had the opportunity to try out my hunting skills and let me tell you, I suck. Ok, actually my hunting skills might, (I said might) rock but I am not really sure about that because instead of hunting, I went swimming. Let me explain how this happened. I have a friend that is the epitome of an excellent hunter. They have been hunting from what I understand, all their life and is also an excellent hunting guide. I however, even though I wanted to, have not been hunting most of my life and let's face it, I am a clutz. After three spinal surgeries and a pretty severe case of scoliosis, it is amazing that I am even able to stand up straight.Ok fine, I don't stand "straight" I guess I should say, it is amazing that I am able to stand upright. That being said, here we go. 

I recently talked this friend into taking me hunting, Turkey hunting to be exact. The first morning was gorgeous. It was day break, we were all set up, we could hear the turkeys coming in from a distance and I felt good about the whole situation, this was going to be the day that I was going to take down an unsuspecting bird. It was a little chilly but my heart and adrenaline were racing so I felt as if I was burning up, I could hear my heartbeat and I swear I could see it pulsing through my hands as I was getting ready to mark off an item from my bucket list. And yes, I have a bucket list and yes, it does contain hunting down a wild animal. Stop judging me, before all things I am a country girl that does enjoy being outside, experiencing everything first hand the way that God intended us too. So here I was, waiting for my chance and I am not going to tell you all the details but that chance came and I missed. I shot, I missed by a feather, and I was eternally embarrassed. Maybe not that embarrassed being as how I am sharing it with the world now but whatever, you get it. At the time I thought that it was not my best moment. Little did I know, that moment was still to come. Which brings us to day two.

Day two, I was ready, I was pumped, I was going to kill something. Unfortunately the turkeys did not see it my way. We walked, and we walked, and finally we found them, a little to late because we flushed them out and I missed my opportunity. I was bummed but my fearless guide told me not to be discouraged, we had more walking to do, we had more turkeys to sneak up on. However we did not, we just didn't know that yet. So we walked some more, saw some deer, got a lecture about how when the zombies come and take over I will be prepared because now I am a huntress, walked some more, saw some cows, talked about zombies again, walked some more... and then we saw some ducks. Being the great white huntress that I am I actually had a duck licenses with me. Ok fine,I had a duck license because my sweet manfriend is an avid duck hunter and it is his goal to take me duck hunting, in which I am totally pumped about since the day he got his new Woodduck mount in the mail and placed it on top of the cabinet in my house. Now every time I walk past it I have this urge to shoot a duck. (Once again, first and for most I am a country girl, I have added killing a duck to my bucket list, stop judging me.) Anyways, during the exact moment that I saw the cute little feathery waterfowl it was game on. If I couldn't take home a turkey, I was taking home a duck! At least that is what I thought... WRONG! I wasn't going to take home a duck, I was going to take home soggy boots, and sopping ass wet camo. Yes, I said it, SOPPING ASS WET CAMO. 
So there we were running down along side the river trying to get close enough to make a shot when we realize that we have to cross an irrigation ditch, that I am referring to as a babbling brook, before we can get close enough to take down an unsuspecting Mallard. The babbling brook is about four feet wide, I am about four foot ten and a half inches tall, there is no way I am going to be able to cross it. My fearless guide all of a sudden finds this tree down across the babbling brook and runs across it like a little spider monkey. Seriously it happened that fast. Then there I was, standing on the other side looking at him in shock because never in my wildest dreams would I have thought him to be spider monkeyish. So then he begins to coax me over. Yeah... it went like this...

Friend: Come on! Hurry!
Me: Are you kidding? I can't cross that!
Friend: Yes you can! If I can you can!
Me: It's like you don't even know me! I have absolutely NO balance. No way spider monkey!
Friend: Yes you can! They are getting away! Just do it! Do it!!!
Me: Um HEEELLLOO! Three spinal surgeries! SCOLIOSIS! No way!
( I should also add I was pretty much yelling at this point. I am pretty sure the unsuspecting ducks were now suspecting and long gone!)
Friend: Get over here NOW! Just do it! DO IT!
Me: Shit! Ok, Don't let me fall in!
Friend: I am holding the log steady. Come on already.
Me: *steps on to the log, it's not steady, decides to crawl/scoot across it. Get's half way reaches for friends hand, log shakes, loses all balances, everything is a blur, hits ice cold water, screams, OH SHIT! MY iPhone!, realizes I am a sopping ASS wet mess.*
Friend: I totally thought you had that little Vernie!
Me: Clearly NOT!
Friend: *takes my iPhone (which by the way is perfectly fine, no water damage, THANK YOU BABY JESUS!) and then yanks me out of freezing ass, wet ass babbling brook*
Me: Well that was awesome. (Sarcasm) *dumping water out of my boots, squeezing out my socks*
Friend: *Laughing* I so have to have a picture of this. (See above photo, yes that is my mad face and I know I don't look that mad because at this point it was kind of funny. I said KIND OF funny.)
Me: Well, we didn't kill a turkey or a duck, but I am sopping ass wet. Yay!,for turkey hunting.
Friend: *still laughing*

And then we walked back to the pickup, found a towel and I drove home, sopping ass wet, while day dreaming about how that could have gone better. What did we learn from this experience? We learned that my friend is Patrick Swayze. You know that scene in Dirty Dancing when Patrick, I mean Johnny is dancing around on the log? That's my friend! I am Jennifer Grey, I mean Baby, he is Patrick Swayze, I mean Johnny. Holy Macaroni!, Someone please tell me, Baby, to go back to her corner when it concerns log walking. Do I sound bitter? Trust me I am not bitter, I am now motivated! 
It's going down little Turkeys. Spring is a comin' just you wait your feathery little asses.